


Trauma

by blackfisheh



Category: Kyou Kara Maou!, maruma - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-10
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 18:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12326139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackfisheh/pseuds/blackfisheh
Summary: Yuuri has returned to Blood Pledge Castle after his long journey, however, his dreams weren't as sweet as it seems.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Based on my experience with sleep paralysis, depression and PTSD.

Breathless. 

I woke up breathless.

It was a dream, a terrible dream. I could not see but shadows. I hear nothing but giggles and soon, they turned into the sounds of arrows being shot. And later on, I heard screams.  
I felt nothing but sand and hot stones, as if I was climbing up a rocky wall. And, our swords clashing, with mine eventually protruding someone whom I thought was an enemy. That 'enemy' collapsed into my arms and I couldn't breathe.

I was scared, that the 'enemy' was going to die because he was not moving. I wanted to scream his name but I couldn't breathe and soon,

I could see again.

It was dark, a familiar room that I could call myself home.  
I could see the moon, along with a few stars near the window.  
I could feel no longer sand and rocks but silk and blankets.  
I hear nothing but crickets,not war.

My heart was beating really fast, as I felt cold sweat dripping from my forehead.

"It's okay, Shibuya Yuuri. You're safe. You're home."

This was my daily mantra, ever since I've returned back to my Kingdom.  
Although I am getting better, nightmares still reoccur once in a while. If I was on Earth, I would probably be diagnosed with PTSD.

I wonder how late into the night it is? I skipped dinner and went straight to bed when it was sunset.  
My stomach began to make noises.

Oh no, I need to eat.

\--------------

"Here. My part of the paperwork."

It was Wolfram's voice.

I walked quickly towards the study room and as quietly as I could, I stood near the door just enough to hear whatever they're talking about.

"You didn't need to do this." Says the oldest brother.

"My soldier was under my supervision so its natural that I'm responsible for his actions."

"Did you dismiss him off his position?"

"Yes." Wolfram said, solemnly.

"All we hope now is for him to repent and find a new job." Said Gwendal.

"If that is all , Brother, I should take my leave."

I panicked upon hearing that sentence, fearing he would come over but I was saved by Gwendal's voice.

"Wolfram. I've been meaning to ask you."

"What of it?"

"Did you have plenty of rest? You've been up and about. I would have hoped you would rest after the amount of maryoku you've used up over the past months."

There was a brief silence before Wolfram replied.

"You worry too much Brother. I'm fine."

"After going out to find His Majesty and recently your encounter with Shinou... I feel that you overused your powers and energy."

"I'm fine."

Gwendal continued, "You looked tired though. You sure?"

"Stop it! What are you assuming? That I couldn't take care of myself?" Wolfram sounded angry.

" Conrad and I both know that's exactly why."

I wanted to step in, to stop the fight.  
It was true, to what Gwendal had said. Although I was more focused on trying to make myself better, I had noticed that Wolfram, too, was tired.

We weren't bickering and sometimes, he wouldn't sleep in my room but I've seen him sitting by the flowers in the courtyard, alone.

"Gwendal, I'm fine. I've rested enough and my maryoku is slowly returning."

"You know as well as I do that I'm not talking about that."

There was silence and suddenly, I was thrown aback. The door slammed onto my forehead so hard, that I fell backwards.  
I saw Wolfram stepping aback when he heard my "ouch",with his eyes wide and terrified.

Our eyes locked for a moment and I wondered. When was the last time I saw those emerald eyes gleam?

Wolfram just 'tsked' and walked away,leaving me on the floor.

That's not the Wolfram I know.  
He was clearly troubled and tired. Just as what his brother had said.

Speaking of Gwendal, I saw his hand extending towards me, nudging me to grab it and stand up.

"I'm sorry for my brother's behaviour, Your Majesty." Gwendal said with his neutral voice.

"It's fine. I was trying so hard on healing, that I hadn't noticed Wolfram might have been the same.

\------------------------- 

There were times, I vividly remember. 

Times when my dreams were terrifying to the point that I would scream every night.

During those nights, I was lucky.

Those nights, when I started to scream, a voice would wake me up. The voice was loud but reassuring, calling out for my name over and over until I woke up.  
And when I did wake up, there were times when I couldn't move and even though I desperately tried, I couldn't.

And when I couldn't, I began to panic.

I couldn't breathe and I tried to scream, but my body was not awake despite my active mind.

It was all so scary.

During these times, I could feel his warmth on my hands, as he locked his fingers with mine.

Each time , he would whisper to me,

"I'm here, I'm here. Just focus on my touch and look. Focus on my eyes. See? You can see me, you can feel me. You're okay. It's over, it'll be over."

Each time he says this, my breathing grew and I tried hard to move my fingers and toes, while his eyes gave me reassurance.

"It's okay. It'll be over, your body will wake up. It's okay."

When I eventually did, I would broke into tears.

"...I can see again. I can breathe, I'm not dead."

I would sob and I would whimper.  
Sometimes he would embrace me, sometimes he would use his thumb and try to relax my hand. Occasionally, he would coax me with,

"You did it. You broke it. Yes, you can see. You're not blind anymore."

Those nights were long and soon, I got used to the nightmares. I stopped screaming in the middle of the night.

But, I stopped feeling the warmth.

That was when I realised, he hadn't been sleeping in anymore.

\------------------------------

"No, don't die. I'm sorry. Please..."

I said as the body lumped onto me. I recognized this scent and this body built. I stabbed him.

"No! Please! Wake up!" I cried over and over again, but the body was not moving.

"Yuuri...Yuuri!"

I opened my eyes. I could see again. But all I could see was a rough shadow looming above me.

What is that? Who's there?!

I couldn't move.

"Yuuri! What's wrong? It's me!" The voice said.

I tried to take a deep breath and coax myself to focus on trying to move my toes and fingers.

"Sleep paralysis?" He said.

Ah, so that's what it's called.

I could finally move my fingers and toes. Gradually, the shadow I see looming over me turned out to be an old comrade.

I blinked, then I sighed.

"Lord Weller. It's been a while."

"Were these episodes persistent, Your Majesty?"

I sat up and scratched my head out of habit.

"No. They stopped a few weeks ago. This is the first episode I had in weeks. Thought I would get used to it by now."

"Nobody can get used to sleep paralysis, Your Majesty. Even for me, they can get pretty scary." Said my godfather.

"Oh? Scared? You?"

Lord Weller let out a soft laugh and nodded.

I hadn't seen him for months, partially due to myself avoiding him.

I looked out of the window. It's dawn.

"How about a jog, Conrad?"

"I haven't heard you call me that in years," chuckled Conrad.

"Don't be silly, its only been months."

\-----------------------------------------

"Ah, its never ending."

I sighed, particularly to no one as I grabbed the next paper to sign.

"I wish Wolfram's here..."

I stretched and slammed back onto my seat. I grabbed my pen,ready to resume working when someone knocked on the door.

Could it be tea break?

"Your Majesty. Tea is served." Said a male voice.

Wait...male?

I looked up to see my royal advisor coming towards me with his pretty daughter.

"Gunter? And Gisela? Ah thanks for the tea...."

Gunter placed the tray of cookies and tea on the table near my work desk. He poured the tea into the cup and served me.

I am confused.

"Hey now, thanks for the tea but is something the matter?"

There was silence.

I watched as Gunter's eyes turned sideways, nudging Gisela to start a conversation with me but she merely shook her head.

"Your Majesty...." He started, "We're concerned for you."

"What's this all about?"

This time, Gisela walked towards me and gave her father a smile of reassurance.

"Your Majesty, do you mind my father to be in the room with us?"

Eh? Is she going to confess her love for me?! But that's....I'm not able to handle it!

"Um... Gisela? I'm freaked out. What's going on?"

Gisela gave me a rather serious look, then she turned to face Gunter. I saw her head move, assuming she's shaking a 'no.'

Gunter nodded and he looked over towards me and said,  
"Please answer the questions honestly, Your Majesty." And he left.

"Gunter??"

"Your Majesty, please. Come over and sit opposite of me."

I was too confused to question and moved to the table and sat.

I watched as Gisela placed her hands onto the table, as she took a long breath. I could feel my heart beat accelerating as I waited for her to speak.

"Your majesty."

Here it comes!

"Yes!" I jumped as she spoke.

"How do you feel right now?"

I am still confused. I've probably used that word five times already , but I am genuinely confused.

"It's okay. Take your time to answer."

"I am...um fine?"

There was a pause. Gisela smacked her lips as she locked her hands together.

"Okay. Have you felt breathless today?"

Oh.

I understand now. This is a counselling session.

"Oh. Yeah, this morning. But so far not anymore after I went for a jog."

"Okay." She nodded and I fidget on my chair.

"Have you had a nightmare last night?"

"Yes..."

"How many times?"

"Twice."

"Okay. Are these nightmares persistent?"

"No, but they were."

"What do you mean?" Gisela asked.

"The nightmares, happened every night before."

"When did they stop?"

"Oh they didn't. I'm sorry, I meant that they happened still but I got used to them." 

"I see."

Gisela brought her thumb to her lips for a second and she proceeded with more questions.

"How did you cope, eventually?"

"I'm not sure."

"For example, did you do anything to calm yourself before sleeping?"

"I would sleep before it gets dark. Otherwise, the candles will be lit when I sleep...oh."

I realised something.

"I see. You're able to fall asleep when there is light?"

"I hadn't noticed that the candles were lit... They weren't lit yesterday, that was why..."

"That was why?"

"Last night."

"Take your time, Your Majesty."

"Last night. The nightmare was scary like they used to be."

"Used to be?"

"I've...thought that I gotten used to it but last night..."

"I see."

Gisela's eyebrows began to frown and she moved away a strand of hair away from her cute face.

"Your Majesty."

"Yes?"

"If you don't mind me asking, what do you usually dream about?"

"Times when I was at Seisa, I guess."

"What happened during the time you were there?"

"I was... Josak... He died under those rumbles. And Sara... He..."

My breathing grew faster and faster as I muttered those words.

"Your majesty, please stop."

" I couldn't see. I couldn't see. I couldn't see!" I began to scream and pant.

From the corner of my eyes, I could see thighs coming over to where I was sitting.

I began to pant harder as I clutched my uniform.

"I need you to look at me, my King."

I hear Gisela's words but I could not obey.

"I killed... I stabbed someone..."

"Yuuri!" She exclaimed as her hands rested on my shoulders. They grew tighter as I continued.

"I stabbed him. But I couldn't see." I said.

I feel warm fingers holding onto my chin and I let it move, so that my face would be facing Gisela's.

"Look at me, Yuuri."

I moved my eyes, to meet dark green ones.

"Breathe together with me. It's okay, its over. You're here with me, in the castle."

Those words were familiar. It's the same words Wolfram would have said during those nights. Did Gisela taught him to say them?

"That's good , Your Majesty. You're doing great."

"Thank you, Gisela."

\-------------------------

"I'm sorry you had to see the ugly side of me, Gisela."

Gisela giggled as she stood up to return to her seat.

"It's okay. You're not the first."

"What do you mean?"

"Many soldiers after going through tramautised events, they would react similarly to you."

Soldiers? Was she refering to the war period?

" It is medicine, to have someone to consult to, when you're going through post tramatic stress events. A disturbed mind can cause problems."

"They have medicine for these kind of stuff back on Earth. Murata used to take them."

"I see. It happens, Your Majesty. These things couldn't be helped. Not after what you've experienced when you were away."

I scratched my face and sheepishly gave out an embarrassed laugh.

"During these times, you would need a friend to turn to. An outlet . From what I've learnt today from you, you used to do that. What happened? Your nightmares only grew scarier recently, yes?" Gisela asked thoughtfully.

I gave some thought before answering.

"I hadn't notice, until now. That the person who used to light my room. It wasn't me."

"Oh? A maid that had resigned perhaps?"

"No. It was Wolfram."


	2. Chapter 2

Clashing of swords.

Again, the nightmares. However, I was able to light up the room before I slept, so they weren't as frightening and I didn't wake up with a sleep paralysis.

It was still dark outside and the crickets were loud. The day passed quickly and I slept with a lighter heart, thanks to Gisela. Gisela would still need to check on me once a week, to see if I would get better as the time progresses.

Wolfram isn't in today either.

Is something bothering him? I hadn't had a proper talk with him in 3 weeks.

I couldn't went back to sleep so I decided to take a walk in the castle.

Aimlessly enough, I head towards the north side of the castle. Soon, I saw a door ajar and light seeping through it.

Hmm? Who's room is it?

"Leave me be Conrad!"

It's Wolfram's voice. Ah, its his room. Woah, I walked all the way here?!

"Wolf... You know that all of us are concerned." This time, its Lord Weller's voice.

"I do not wish to hear this from you. Gwendal had already said his piece." Wolfram said, solemnly.

There was silence and then there was a sound of a chair, dragging against the floor.

"If you have troubles, you should talk about it. Don't keep it all inside." said a concerned brother.

"I said I'm fine. Lord Weller, please stop."

Troubles? How could I not know of this?

"Is this about Alfred?"

Who's Alfred?!

There was a pang of silence, an awkward one. Suddenly, a slam startled me.

"Wolfram!"

Wolfram must have been startled too, because the lights in the room flickered.

"No. I handled the matter already didn't I? He was dismissed." answered Wolfram.

"You know that's not the point." argued Conrad.

"What do you expect me to say? That I'm not fine? That I look constantly tired which made him try to make advances with me?"

"...so that's the truth. You finally said it."

There was silence again. I was so tempted to step into the room.

"Do you feel better now?" Wolfram finally said.

"No. I know that isn't the reason why you're tired all the time."

"For Shinou's sake, Weller! Get off my case would you? I took down Alfred didn't I? He was stupid to even think that I wasn't observing him the whole time since he joined my ranks."

That was the last straw. 

I slammed the door open and entered the room.

"You're here, Your Majesty. Good." said my Godfather.

What does he mean by that?!

"Conrart what-" I started but he interrupted me.

"Your maryoku. Its not returning as fast as it should be, hasn't it."

"Tsk." was all Wolfram could reply.

"Wait Wolf, why didn't you say anything?" I asked, confused and disappointed.

"You had your own problems and you're sick. I don't wish to disrupt your healing process with my well being."

"But it disrupted yours!" I shouted.

"It did not. Don't blame yourself for this." 

Angered, I asked Conrart, "What exactly is going on here?"

Lord Weller took a while to answer my question. "Wolfram suffered from houjutsu poisoning a few months ago, right after we returned."

And I didn't know this because ... I was too traumatized?

"But Gunther's hairy amulet... I thought..."

Conrart shook his head and replied "We thought too, but looks like it wasn't enough."

Wolfram sighed, "I'm okay now Yuuri. The houjutsu were removed after a few months."

So why the fight?!

"Our dearest Conrad here was overreacting. I'm recovering, you know."

"Don't be delusional Wolfram. Look at you. Social isolation. Tiredness. Lack of energy. Insomnia. Have you looked at the mirror lately? You have eye bags now." Lord Weller countered. 

Wolfram crossed his arms and turned away.

"The lack of maryoku is not because of the poisoning. I know that. It's just, because I burn it up more easily, thus the slow recovery of it. And then I would get tired. Because the maryoku slowly recovers, I used it up immediately and I get tired even more. It's not a big deal, Conrad."

This lack of maryoku thing, sounds like what people call 'depression' back on Earth. So energy and maryoku are linked?

"Wolf, I think I get what you're dealing with. So please, if you're feeling angry or sad, please let it out on me!" I exclaimed, proud of myself for grasping the situation.

"Yuuri, what are you talking about?"

"The reason why your maryoku is slowly recovering, could be because of your mind." 

"Do you think I not know that?!" Wolfram lashed out,startling little old me.

"What is wrong with you people and meddling around with my business?!"

Suddenly, the fire in the fireplace was lit up, flames engulfed as Wolfram panted angrily.

"I know that if you get yourself meddling around with your emotions and thinking about them, it'll only uses up a lot of energy. And do you know what happens if you used too much energy? You would then use maryoku."

There was a moment of silence, then Wolfram continued.

"Do you know what happens after that? You'll get tired consistently, especially if you keep thinking and worrying. You'll get angry, irritated or sad. Because we think too much, we never stop to relax. But oh, do you know what else could have caused this? Yes, stressful events or sudden traumatic ones that make you think all the time and how can we stop that?"

"How could we stop that from happening? Basic rule of using our maryoku. Never self indulge in unnecessary emotions. But hey you know what? I can't help myself , alright?!"

Anger. I could sense anger  in the room. Wolfram, how long did you keep all of this in?

"I couldn't do anything when Conrad was supposedly dead. Then Josak was presumed dead and I couldn't do anything but to stay strong for His Majesty." Wolfram said in a soft voice as he sat on his bed, his two hands locked together and rested on his eyes.

"Never self-indulge  in unnecessary emotions. What kind of rule is that?"

"Wolf..." I sat beside him and the bed creaked a little.I placed my arm around his back sideways and pressed his underarm.

"You're always dealing with these kind of stuff alone. No wonder you're depressed."

I gestured Conrart to leave and he smiled before kindly leaving.

"I'm not sad. Just angry."

"Its not your fault to feel that way. Suppressing yourself from them probably did all that."

"I know. Look, because I lit up the fireplace, I'm exhausted."

I gently pulled Wolfram's hands away from his face and brought it down to his lap.I started massaging his right hand with my thumb.

"Can we not avoid each other anymore?" I said

"It's hard. I don't feel like talking to anyone."

"I know. Me too. But Gisela told me, social isolation is the last thing we need right now."

"Mhmm"

"So if I don't see you, I'll make an effort to find you."

Wolfram laughed. Something I hadn't heard in a long time.

"Good luck finding me then."

I sat closer to Wolfram and once more, brought my arms to wrap around his shoulders, only to embrace my fiance.

"From now on, we're not alone. We'll get through this together."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
